ESKAPO

He’s not my dream man, but he’s always in my dreams. If he is a nightmare, then he is the sweetest. I’m no queen if I chose him, but through his eyes, diamonds are seen. I loved him wise but he knocked me twice.

Hater’s Love

Way back the days of fun, juvenile, enjoyment, immaturity and all that is crazy, I met my first love. I repeat my “FIRST LOVE”. How we met is unenviable. He is my classmate and my cousin’s best friend. Literally speaking, he’s not pleasing to eyes. You can accuse me of being exaggerated and judgmental. Yes, I know that I’m not that pretty and perfect to be so hypercritical but he is really is worse. He’s tall, thin, dark, grimy, rude, looks illeterate and ungentle. The space for a new pimple is rare. I’m horrific. I just want everything to be the way it is. Hate me with my first impression with him, “Even he’s the last guy on earth, girls still won’t flirt.”  Now, picture him in your head. He’s not a prince charming, but not as bad looking as a monster; he’s just not that pleasing at all.

Since he is my cousin’s best friend, he used to call me “best friend” too. Though we’re not close, I don’t even know his first name. Yes, not his first name, I call him with his last, because in our class that’s the way people are calling each other’s name. For the first time he called me “best friend”, I explained that we can never be best friends. I don’t know what’s with the head of this guy but he refused with my plea and I walked out. I don’t know if he really wanted to make friends with me or he just wanted to annoy me because he’s not as busy as I am. Neither of the two reasons, I don’t mind. What’s clear in my head is that I don’t like him and I will never come to like him.

Negative charges

I established a strong personality within our class. That’s what I believed in. boys used to hate me, because they say I looked like hard to deal with, unfriendly, boastful, overconfident and weird. The truth is that, I don’t like to make friends with the opposite sex. But I don’t hate them; I’m not a man hater for I love my father so much, and my grandfathers and so as my uncles. I’m just avoiding to be close to them.The thing is that I’m just building a wall against boys, because they are hindrances to success; if I’ll be in a so called commitment; for boys are “negative charges” that can drag us girls down. Broken hearts can ruin lives and burry dreams.

The techniques that boys are using to win a girl’s heart are very common. They will first friend the girl, get close with them and then with one snap, weak girls will say “yes”. And what is next? The very usual thing that parents thinks all the time, “early, unwanted pregnancy”. It’s a pleasure for the boys, pressure for the girls. I’m not talking about “all” the boys, but most of them. You may say that I am overstated but that’s life and it is real. I’m just protecting myself. It’s better taking preventions than working with alternatives and alibis.

Love is not Hello

Words are powerful. Love is a word, but not an ordinary word. You should mean when you say you love a person or a thing. And this simple word can be a glory, a magic or wealth. On the other side, love can also be destructive, fallacious or disease. It is not as usual as saying “hello” to everybody; it can drive one’s life. But love is not a feeling but an attitude. Feelings come and go. It might be bitter in your ears but true.

Story of Us

Going back with John Aris Diaz Flores, my first love and probably the best thing I never had, and I never regret for not having him. He is a man of too many words and can express himself well. He is a musician and a very good man of numbers.  We are very much different. He loves dog, I hate pets. He loves math, I love words. He loves to chill out rather than doing productive things. I hate when a day just passed by without accomplishing anything. I believe that this world is ironic. With the saying that, “The more you hate, the more you love”, that is what happened to us. I hate him, he hates me too, but we fell. Yes, “we”, as in he loves me too. I’m just not sure if he loved me the way I did.

When did I come to notice it? When I started telling stories that is all about him. I missed him when his not around. He ruins my day but ironically, my day would suck if he’s not around. He barks like a dog when he wants to annoy me, but I missed his voice when he ignores me. How painful love for me is. I’m trying to ignore what I’m feeling but it’s kind of weird that the more I try to vanished this thing within me, is the more it grows. All these happened unconsciously.

But then, since I’m in a middle of calamity thinking about what I have for him, I kept on denying it within me. I’m forcing and convincing my self that it’s not what they thought. But what I’m trying to do within me seems to reflect with my surrounding. People around us are intriguing us. But we kept our selves quite. Until one day a message from him came to my phone. We chatted, and words came out. But I told him, “It’s not the perfect time for this, let’s be just friends.” I broke him, and I shattered myself. You might say “sayang” but its part of growing up. (sigh)

I actually thought that things like this only happen on televisions for soap operas or movies, in fairy tale books and other fictional stuffs. But just like any other love stories in real life, not all of them have the “happy ending concept”.

The other girl

Two weeks after that heart trembling scene of chatting and revealing of our mutual understanding, he knocked me with spreading the news of having a “girlfriend”. I ignore it, no. I try to ignore it. But still it reigns. I just focused on what should be done. Since I’m hurt, I need a lot of stuffs to think about and work on. I join contest and I study hard. I get busy and I decided that I moved on. (HOORAY!)

After a month, his girlfriend approached me and talked to me. She’s crying and telling me that he wanted Aris so much that she can’t imagine life without him. I’m disgusted. Why should she say that? She explains, “You’re the other girl”. Shocked I am. But what can I do? By that time, again, I feel loved though not directly stated; think what you want, accused me of being selfish, but what I felt is magic. The next month they broke up. But I never coached Aris to choose me over her, and so I am the “other girl”.

Round two: Knocked Out!

February, here comes the “Prom Night”. He met another girl, Gretchen. They’ve been good friends and closer than what I expected. And by this time, I’m drawn. She’s smart, pretty, sweet and loveable. Aris is madly in love with Gretchen. And the Prom Night burns me. It left me with memories of pains and sorrows. The prom night became their night. Gretchen finally accepted Aris as his boyfriend.

The worst is that, it’s my fault. I introduce Gretchen to Aris a month before the prom night. She’s a friend of mine. And she admitted that she likes Aris, so I introduced her. I never thought that it will close the doors for me. It was like a dare for Aris’s part. I thought he still is into me, but he’s not. And so it’s a burden.

But I’m not weak. Not for this. Happily, I moved on. That’s for sure. I am blessed with so many good people around me. And thus, I learned and became stronger.

As of now, we’re friends, we still meet when I’m home in Cavite, we jamm with common friends, why not? We didn’t have any commitment. We’re young and fell, but life is too short to be wasted with the past. We’re here and dealing with our own lives. We are both happy and contented.

With my words “I never had but never regret”, it’s because I believe that what’s yours is yours, no matter what. And so as I repeat, he is my “first love”, I’m heading for my “next romance”.